God, Damn it.

 

Meanwhile, back in the Philippines...

     I’m back, bitches! It’s been too long… What better way to force myself back into the lives of all 7 of the people who actually read this blog than by beating the very dead horse of organized religion.

   And oh, religion, what a rocky road we’ve had. From getting thrown out of sunday school for asking too many difficult questions to dressing up as “Jesus Christ Super Porn Star” for halloween and almost getting beat up by a psychotic Christian girl, we’ve seen some ups and downs over the years. Well… mostly downs, not so much with the ups.

    The facepunch for today goes to all Christian Missionaries in Asia (except Wayne Lee… who never forced his views on me while we were training partners at Chay Yai Gym in Chaing Mai, Thailand). It is absolutely mind blowing to me that, of all the cool ass religions and local shamanistic beliefs available in Asia, people are actually becoming Christians here at an astounding rate.

The Catholic Boat... coming to take you away...

   I mean, if you are going to throw your mind away subscribing to organized religion, at least choose one with cool music or a guy who will make you trip balls in a sweat lodge.

   Seriously though, Asian people are dropping like flies to the lure of Christianity. See, there are a shitload of poor, uneducated people in Asia (Christianity’s most successful market over the last 2000 years), which makes the region ripe for conversion. It doesn’t take a genius with a PHD in Anthropology to realize that if you dangle “eternal salvation” (read: lots of food, a sick house in heaven and no diseases) in front of ignorant people who live in poverty stricken squalor, you’re going to get more than a few takers. Especially if you offer some sort of immediate incentive in this life, like, free food at the end of bible study or rice rations for memorized bible scriptures. Yes, there are actually missionaries in Sub-Saharan Africa and Southeast Asia who do this.

It's a safe bet he hates your dad, then.

   Anyway, those of you who know me well, know that I am not easily dragged into a conversation about religion these days, especially with Christians. I typically give vague answers to people who pry, because I have learned that trying to explain being a Pantheistic Buddhist who prays to Hindu and Chinese deities to a Christian is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a sack of dead babies.

           I usually just tell them I’m an Atheist, which is technically true since I don’t believe in a personal god / creator and give short one word answers to any follow up questions, because talking to Christians is like trying to talk to a choose your own adventure book. No matter what option you choose, you invariably end up returning to page 1 (but the bible says…) , getting frustrated, and watching Fraggle Rock instead.

Allah hammachhhhh atta bad gahh! Do not make restaurant here... bad decision!

   One particularly persistent and annoying Korean missionary recently cornered me on a bus ride and lectured me for 15 minutes in broken English and Korean about how I was going to hell unless I changed my ways and accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. Now, hearing this from a white man is infuriating enough, but hearing it from a fat, prototypical Asian businessman that you are just as likely to find at a KTV joint as a church is downright nauseating.

             He gave me a copy of “The purpose filled life” and asked me to read it and call him when I was finished so we could discuss it. I repeatedly told him I was already forced to read this when I was like, 12, that I would never read it again and that there was nothing to discuss. He gave me his business card and said “Prease read and caw me”.

Thou shalt not kill. Unless it's Muslims and gay people. Then it's ok.

   What was really frustrating is that I posses the verbal agility, knowledge of Christian history and knowledge of comparative religion to destroy any Christian’s belief system in about 20 minutes if I have the inclination to do so. If I have two hours I can usually make them cry. Usually I don’t, because I believe that at certain levels of consciousness and awareness, Christianity and other organized religions can serve a purpose and help people to live a better life if practiced in the right way. With this jackass however, I would have been happy to make him cry about Christianity and then not point him in a more positive spiritual direction just to fuck with him.

          Unfortunately, since this man’s English vocabulary was incredibly limited however, I just had to sit there and listen to him talk in circles about nothing, with no possible recourse. So as my own form of therapy to recover from this traumatic event, I will subject you to the very simple, very potent way I expose Christianity as a complete fraud to anyone who pisses me off by trying to force it down my throat. I hope you will use it liberally for Christian assholes you meet that actually understand the English language.

             We’ll do it in the form of a conversation between a Christian Guy (CG) and Me (Me). Most of CG’s answers and questions come from actual conversations I’ve had, but I reserve the right to spice things up again with some poetic license.

Ok, without further ado…

————–

CG: So, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

Me: No. What does personal savior mean, anyway?

CG: It means that Jesus Christ can offer you a personal path to Salvation through belief in him… in the bible, In John Chapter 14 verse 6 Jesus says “I am the way, the truth and the life, no man comes to the father, except through me”.

Me: I see. So if I accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I can go to heaven?

CG: That’s right!

Me: But how can God know who has accepted him and who hasn’t? What If I say I accept him but really on the inside I don’t, or I can’t… I’m not a very good person.

CG: God is all powerful and all knowing. He’ll know the truth that is in your heart. Luke 12 verse 7 says: “even the hairs on our head are numbered”. God knows everything about us! The bible also says “God is Love”. That means he will love you unconditionally, no matter what you have done.

Me: Wow, that’s nice. I never knew that. Ok… I’ll accept that. But one thing that really bothers me about Christians is that they only believe that the world is 6000 years old. I mean, we have fossils that are older than that.

CG: Actually we can’t be sure of that. Carbon 14 Testing is not 100% accurate and Evolution is just a THEORY, it’s not a fact. We believe that God created the heaven and the earth in 7 days, and that history began when the bible began, in the book of Genesis. You can say that is our Theory. It is just as un-provable as evolution! You know, scientists can’t prove Evolution either…

Me: Wow, I never thought about it that way, I guess they can’t… So anyway, back to heaven. If I want God to let me in, I have to believe in his son, I mean, that’s the only way, right?

CG: Yes.

Me: So, being a good person, doing the right thing, that stuff doesn’t matter right? As long as I believe in Jesus?

CG: Well, when you make Jesus Christ your personal savior, you will become the kind of person who does good things, even if it is difficult for you to change. Philippians 4:13 tells us “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.

Me: Wow, you know the bible really well. But I’ve heard that you can’t trust the Bible. My friend said that at the Council of Icea-

CG: Nicaea

Me:Yeah, that one. I heard that that meeting happened once 300 years after Jesus died and again 700 years after he died because Christians couldn’t come to an agreement about what the bible said and which books should be included… It wasn’t until after that second meeting that the bible as we know it actually appeared. That’s a long time and a lot of people involved for information to get mixed up, isn’t it?

CG: Well, I’m not exactly sure about that, I just know what a positive difference god has made in my life. But what’s really amazing to me about the Bible is that God worked through men throughout history to bring us his story. He inspired many different writers at different times and places to deliver his message, and then inspired the council to put it together in such a way that would best serve mankind.  God has a plan for everything, even if we don’t understand it.

Me: I see. I guess that’s what they mean when they say the lord works in mysterious ways. It seems kind of inefficient for an all powerful being like God though. Anyway, can you tell me what heaven will be like?

CG: It’s a wonderful place, where all of the believers will go when they die. There is no pain or suffering, and you will live forever in perfect bliss and harmony.

Me: Wait, all the believers? What about Mr. Watson from my Sunday school class. He used to beat me. Will he be there? He believed in Jesus. I don’t want to go to heaven if he is there.

CG: Uhhhhh… well, actually we don’t know exactly what heaven will be like, but the bible tells us that it will be perfect.

Me: Yeah, but it wouldn’t be perfect for me if Mr. Watson is there. It would actually be perfect for me if Mr. Watson goes to hell instead. What will god do about that? We can’t both go to heaven.

CG: Are you serious?

Me: Yes.

CG: I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to answer that… but listen, you should come talk to our Pastor, he answers questions like this all the time and he would love to talk to you!!

Me: That’s ok, maybe another time. Let’s go back to what you were saying earlier, about believing in Jesus being the only way you can go to heaven…

CG: Sure.

Me: Can you tell me more about that? I mean, why? What brought this situation about? Jesus only came 2000 years ago, right? Before Jesus came how did people go to heaven?

CG: Well, before Jesus came, God’s people had the old testament, or the old covenant, which means “old promise” in Ancient Hebrew. Before Jesus came it was more difficult to get into heaven. But after Jesus-

Me: Wait, difficult how? What do you mean?

CG: Well, you had to obey the 10 commandments perfectly, and if you didn’t you had to make a sacrifice to God to repent for your sins.

Me: Wow, what kind of sacrifice?

CG: Well, I’m not sure exactly, Animals sometimes. But there are a lot of different stories of sacrifice and forgiveness in the old testament. God even tested Abraham once by asking him to sacrifice his own Son… but he stopped at the last second and spared him.

Me: Wow, that’s extreme. God wasn’t a very nice guy back then, was he? Isn’t tricking someone into thinking they will have to murder their own son breaking one of the commandments, like thou shalt not lie, or something?

CG: Heh… well, I guess it could be… but god never said for sure that Abraham would have to kill his son… he just said to prepare an alter for the sacrifice.

Me: So if I held a gun to a guys head, and told him I was going to kill him, then said, “just kidding” that wouldn’t actually be a threat, right? I mean that’s how a police officer would see it right? Just joking buddy!!!

CG: :Blank Stare::

Me: Anyway, so, let’s go back to the 10 commandments. What about a lesser commandment, like not having other gods before the god of the bible. I mean, do you really think that a supreme being, perfect in understanding, love and wisdom would be so insecure as to punish us for talking to another god?

CG: Of course he would! The bible says that mankind was created to worship God… So worshiping another god instead is a serious problem for him! You see, there are no “lesser commandments”, all sins are equal in the eyes of god.

Me: Whoa, he’s a stern guy. Stern but fair I guess.

CG: Yeah, I know, right? But anyway, the most important thing you can take from today is that God wanted to make it so that everyone could go to heaven, so he sent his only Son, Jesus, to Earth to suffer for all man kind. When Jesus suffered and died on the cross, he took all of the sins of mankind on his shoulders. Then, by believing in him, we are forgiven of our sins and taken into his arms when we die.

Me: So, he asked us to murder his son, which is a sin, so that he could forgive us for our other sins, instead of just… forgiving us for our sins.

CG: Um…

Me: ::Blank Stare::

CG: Well… Um… You see…

Me: Hold On… Don’t talk for a second… I’m thinking… I’ve got to put all of this in order in my head.

CG: Ok, take your time. (laughs uncomfortably)

Me: Ok, let’s back it up and take it from the very beginning. I want to see if I’ve got this straight… God is an all powerful being, and he is also all knowing… so by that logic he knows before we are even created as a species which ones of us will end up in heaven and which ones will end up in hell.  In the meantime, I should ignore that creating those people who are bound for hell in any case actually serves no purpose since people were created to worship God, and the people who end up in hell, by definition, do not worship God. I should also accept that God realized this ahead of time and allows this course of events leading to eternal torture and suffering in a lake of fire to take place despite the fact that he is an entity of infinite love and mercy.  He also, for reasons he never explains, makes our existence finite, guaranteeing that at some point we will stop worshiping him at death. So, to give us a method of either arriving in heaven or hell, God gave us the “old promise”.  God knew, of course, that we were going to fuck the “old promise” right up, because he is all knowing, but he let us screw that up for a few thousand years anyway, at the expense of thousands of animals and the psychological health of some dude’s son and who knows how many others that were adversely effected by sadistic sacrifice rituals performed to appease him whenever he was pissed off about sins we have committed. Eventually, God got sick of this method, and about 2000 years ago he gave us a new promise so it would be easier for people he already knew were going to heaven to get there… but instead of just forgiving us outright or ignoring the mistakes we make and excusing them as part of our destructive nature, which he also gave us, he sends his only son to be tortured by us, which is a horrible sin in and of itself, so that he can as a consequence forgive us for the other horrible sins we have committed. After that, to make sure that everyone knew about this new promise, he gave fragmented pieces of the story to a bunch of different people in different places at different times, who he knew were going to disagree with each other and mis-translate his words into several different languages and then meet 700 years later to choose which rules they would follow and which parts of his story they would allow to be distributed to the general public. He did this so that mankind could have a more understandable version of events, in spite of the fact that he is all powerful and could have just zapped down a complete version in every language known to man when he sent his son to be murdered. I mean, he could have sent the two as a package deal ready for distribution to all nations, but he didn’t, because he prefers to work through the horribly inefficient and usually bloody processes of mankind. Fast forward 2000 years. Here I am, a good person. I do good things, help people and live a good life. In fact, you might say I am a better person than God himself was before he made his “new promise”. I don’t torture animals, and I don’t trick people into thinking they are going to have to kill their sons. I also don’t do anything that would be really “animal sacrifice” worthy like stealing, and definitely nothing “Son Sacrifice” worthy like murdering. Although God is an enlightened supreme being, perfect in wisdom, love and understanding, if I don’t completely throw rationality and logic, which he also gave me when he created me, right out the window and believe in the aforementioned 2000 year old poorly translated summery of the events I just described, and I don’t accept the messianic figure that shows up somewhere halfway through said story as my “personal savior”, there is no way I am going to heaven, and this God of infinite love, mercy and understanding will cast me into a lake of fire where I will be tortured for all eternity, which must have been his plan all along since he created me and he knows everything that will happen before it happens. Is that fairly accurate?

CG: ::Blank State::

Me: It’s cool dude, I don’t really want to go to heaven anyway. I assume it will be full of Christians like you and that is actually my idea of hell. I want to go to wherever Ghandi, John Lennon and Carl Sagan went. I’m fairly certain it’s not the same place you are talking about. Seriously though, good talk… good talk…

————-

Seriously dude... Just admit that God created earth and that it doesn't rotate around the Sun and we'll totally let you go...

    You see, Christians are horribly predictable. They will almost all give the same or similar answers to the questions above. Unbeknownst to them, each question is a trap, designed to allow them to make a statement about God which they will wrap in euphemisms like “stories of sacrifice and forgiveness” which is euphemistic Christian horse shit code for “killing your son so that God won’t be pissed off”. Then, you strip their statements of euphemism, put the events in chronological order, and feed it back to them.

    You will also notice that at the beginning of the conversation, I mostly agreed to him and played to his ego. This establishes me as an ally, and as someone who is no threat to his belief system. This will bring his guard down a bit, and make the first part of the question and answer session go more smoothly. Slowly, increase the breadth and the severity of the holes you punch in his story until you deliver the final big rant.

Now given out to children at all Catholic sunday school lessons.

    By not challenging him directly or being too verbally caustic in the beginning while still exposing holes in his arguments, you allow him to start questioning his belief system on his own before you put the hammer down. Then, when you deliver that final death blow, he is already in “WTF” mode and ready to have his belief system totally raped.

    I guarantee if you follow this method in even a loose fashion, the person you talk to will eventually never go to church again. It might take 6 months, but the seeds of discontent and critical thinking you plant will eventually grow large enough to make him or her seriously question, and later abandon the beliefs they hold so dear.

Stay back Matilda!! You're going to catch Satanic!

         Do use this method with caution however with people who seem psychologically unstable, as destroying someone’s belief system can have very real psychological consequences. I actually watched a guy have a panic attack in a Starbucks in China one time when I pulled this stunt.

   Good luck and happy hunting!!

We’re Not Scare Mongering…

Yes, you are. How the media, not PAD, is ruining Thailand’s tourist industry.

Look out! They have flags!!!

 

Here is an article that is typical of how the Media has been covering the situation in Thailand. 

Pay particular attention to the sub-headline, the part that starts “Fears of Widespread Violence Grow…”

Ok, Widespread? By widespread does the author mean, more than a few hundred square feet? More than a few blocks of an isolated area that has been cordoned off by Thai police for over a week? 

That’s not to say that his hasn’t been a dangerous week to be a politically active Thai in Bangkok. Dozens of protesters were injured in a blast earlier today, bringing the injured count to well over a hundred since this mess started. They truely have my sympathy.

But dangerous for tourists? Please. They get no sympathy from me, nor should they from you. The situation in Thailand is about as dangerous for Farangs as the LA riots were for Thai people visiting relatives in Beverly Hills, or Thai tourists visiting the space needle during the WTO protests in Seattle in 1999. 

Of course, this isn’t counting the bleeding heart Farang who is bound to make international headlines and ruin the tourist industry here for good when he shows up dead on the front page of The Nation, sprawled on the pavement clad in a Yellow PAD shirt. Some white douche who thinks he is Thai WILL shove his nose in the political situation and probably get hurt. You will probably see something on the news about a reporter, or some Thai girl’s farang boyfriend getting tear-gassed. Cry me a river.

I’ll save my tears for the 8 Thais that have died fighting to save their country.

Let’s keep some perspective, however. According to the US Department of Justice, there were 45 homicides A DAY in the United States in 2005, yet people still flock to our shores. Why? Because the vast majority of those killed or in danger are not white, and our crime statistics get whitewashed by the media. Besides that, tourists know that if they avoid the “wrong” neighborhoods, they will probably be fine. It’s the same way in Thailand. If you see a bunch of Red and Yellow Shirted Thai’s throwing Molotov cocktails at each other, you might want to keep your distance.

So really, what is the worst thing that can happen to tourists who have even a little common sense while they are in Thailand during this time of political turmoil? Canceled flights and closed airports seem to be the biggest complaints.

Because I mean, these are legitimate things to complain about.

“Uhh… Honey, I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come home for at least another two weeks. I haven’t had my fill of bar girls yet. The Airports are shut down!!”

Sorry boss, I won't be into work this week. I'm trapped. In paradise.

I mean really, it should be the same joyful elation you experienced as a kid when it snowed and school was canceled. 

Except, instead of freezing your ass off and being forced by your Mom to “get ahead on your work” by candlelight while the power is out, you are “trapped” in one of the friendliest, most beautiful contries on the planet surrounded by gorgeous women. 

What a pity. 

This is another case of a runaway media bandwagon where each headline is more sensationalist than the last, in hopes of capturing the white, advertising friendly audience blessed with the attention span of a 5 year old. It’s the same nonsense that turned a market correction into a near global economic meltdown  a month ago. 

It’s a shame too, because a lot of people are going to miss out on one of the greatest places on earth because they believe everything they see on TV.

Betanese For Dummies

Sure, it looks romantic now... but romeo here will be spouting betanese by the weekend.

Earlier this week, I received some awful news from a good friend that her boyfriend had dumped her a few weeks before her birthday. While not relevant directly to their situation, as a good man needs more than beauty alone, I’ll add that she is extraordinarily hot. She also has a charming, witty personality. I can’t speak to her qualities as a girlfriend, as we have never dated, but she seems like a nice girl.

According to her, his reasons were that “he was not good enough for her” and that “she deserves something better”.

Oh, the subtleties of “Betanese”. A secret language of beta and omega males that has existed for centuries, if not millenia, for men who lack the testicular fortitude to be direct with the opposite sex. For the uninitiated, I’ve done some translations of common Betanese phrases into plain English. I’ll start with the few gems Mr. X dropped on my unsuspecting friend.

“I’m not good enough for you.” —-> You’re not good enough for me.

“You deserve to be happy” —–> You make me miserable.

“I just want you to be happy” —-> I’ll accept any situation or set of circumstances that leads to me not having to be your boyfriend, including but not limited to watching you blow the whole football team.

“I need some time to figure myself out” —-> I need some time to bang more chicks before I settle down with someone better than you to have a family.

“Let’s not call it a break up, let’s just take a break for a few weeks and then talk about it” —-> An ex-girlfriend will be in town for a week, and I need a free pass to bang her without putting up with your shit. (OR) I want to bang the new chick at work and not feel guilty about it.

“I need to find someone who is a free spirit, like me” —-> You won’t let me put it in your mouth and/or ass.

“I love you, I’m just not IN love with you” —-> The spark of lust we once had has died. Our sex based relationship has become boring.

“You’re so wonderful, and I know I’m just going to end up hurting you” —-> I’ve unsucsessfully tried to hook up with someone you know, and I know you’re going to find out sooner or later.

You may have noticed these are quite similar to the phrases women sometimes use to break it off with their emotionally fragile, pathetic boyfriends. Since beta and omega males are actually more closely related to women than they are to men, it is natural that their language, Betanese is nothing more than a derivative of Vaginish… the secret code language of all females.

Women, who by their nature are nurturers who need to take care of men, shouldn’t be faulted for trying to coddle their pathetic boyfriends even in the final stages a doomed relationship. But what kind of men would use these cryptic, enigmatic phrases to break it off? Well, me for starters, from the ages of about 14-21. As a reformed Betanese speaker myself, I am an expert on such matters.

Trust me ladies, as a man who has lived on both sides of the tracks,  I can promise you that you will feel much better if you get regularly pumped by an alpha badass who will look you right in the eyes and unrepentantly tell you “I’m fucking other girls, don’t expect much from me”. At least then you will feel like a woman, and you’ll have a definite object to focus your fem-hate on. This will initially make it easier to move on, should you ever decide to, although later your panties will drip every time said man’s name is mentioned simply because he is so unattainable and has already been pre-selected by dozens of other women.

Can you spot the fluent Betaneese speaker?

This is highly preferable to the ambiguous and difficult to pin down shame of being dumped by the kind of low value man who says things like “You’re too good for me”.

So, My advice to my very cute friend: You’re barely into your 20’s. This is not the time to be looking for a husband or long term partner. In the meantime, find a real man, who knows his value… and yours. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell you exactly what is going on in his primitive, mammalian brain. It will be a bumpy ride, but you will love the chase of trying to pin him down, and you will never bore of trying to “change” him into a family man. If you are a real woman (and I think you are), you will eventually succeed at this. If you are a closet succubus, you’ll get what you deserve and end up marrying some beta-provider toolbag who can’t get it up past 30.

Happy Hunting!

The Second Amendment

This is a disturbing article.

While I am all for the pendulum of American politics swinging back to the opposite pole, for a while at least to create balance, gun control is an issue where I will forever remain conservative.

The question is wheather or not this paranoia is founded in truth, or this is just another case of a bunch of Rednecks freaking out and getting excited over any opportunity to add to the family arsenal. 

The argument in favor of gun control will forever escape me. The typical argument I hear from my bleeding heart liberal douchebag friends is “There is serious gun control in Europe and the rate of violent crime there is much lower”. 

This is untrue, and I have two points to make in reference to this ageless liberal rhetoric.

1) The violent crime rate is just as high, and much higher in some of the nations only recently added to the EU. More people get stabbed and beaten to death in Europe. I’ll take a bullet over slow painful death by bludgeoning any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people… often. That will never stop or change, no matter how many sociology classes you take. There are plenty of people in the world who didn’t enjoy the privileged life you did and would jump at the opportunity to kill you for little more than the clothes you are wearing.

2) We are to guns what Columbia is to Cocaine. In the United States, fully automatic machine guns were totally legal to own until 1984. Europeans by contrast, have been pussies for over a century about guns, and most European nations have had restrictions on private ownership of guns to some extent since their invention.

Point number one is self explanitory. Let’s bear in mind point number two and delve a bit deeper, into the mind of the criminal.

What is a Criminal? We could define one quite simply as “a person who does not obey the law”. It is typical liberal logic to assume that making something against the law will make people who, by their nature don’t obey the law, somehow comply. 

This guy will be first in line to turn in his guns...

 

Immagine this conversation:

Cletus: Yo ese, I’m gonna kill this fucker.

Timmy: Word. But make sure you use a knife. Guns is illegal and shit.

Here’s the bottom line: The American government will never be able to get rid of all the guns in this country. They won’t even be able to get close. Assuming the police gave up on everything EXCEPT collecting guns from private citizens, the infrastructure and manpower needed to collect over 200 million registered firearms simply does not exist. This is not to mention the millions of illegally circulating weapons that aren’t registered.

Making guns illegal will do nothing except to take them from the hands of law abiding citizens while virtually guaranteeing that a massive organized crime boom will occur, much in the same way drug cartels started popping up in the 1980’s with stiffer drug laws. 

A massive black market will be born, and it will probably be EASIER for criminals to get weapons as a result of the dedicated networks of supply and manufacturing that will be put in place.

I’m all for criminal background checks, but anything else is nothing more than the clumsy apparatus of government trying to fix the gun problem with the same poorly conceived legislation that failed in the war on drugs. 

Instead of treating the symptoms of a fucked up society, liberals should apply themselves where they usually actually do some good… in getting more money for education and programs to help people in underprivileged neighborhoods. 

Rock the boat, I mean, vote…

This will probably be an unpopular post. Everyone is so caught up in the election. To a disturbing degree. I guess I would be too… except I have been able to mostly escape the massive media brainwashing campaign being waged on Americans (and the rest of the world).

Oh, that’s right, I’m going there. So get out your tin foil hat and keep an eye out for blacked out helicopters, cause you just bought a one way ticket to conspiracy theory town. 

Here’s sworn testimony you might have considered before you spent 187 hours volunteering your time to force your worthless political opinions on others:

Former NASA Programmer Testifies US Elections Rigged

The Bilderberg group runs the world, and no matter what you and the other early voting ass clowns I see on TV that can rarely articulate their reasons for supporting either candidate think, this election has already been decided. So please, stop regurgitating some sound bite that has been burned into your brain by the Media, you sound like a monkey.  

The only question is, who was chosen to lead?  

What's He rebelling against? What have you got???

In the Blue Corner, Barack Obama. It’s a safe bet that he will win and here’s why:

1) He will be used as a short term “good cop” to smooth talk our way out of the last 8 years. We will maneuver ourselves into strategic alliances that are convenient for the present, but can  later be broken again in another 5-10 years when they no longer serve American interests.

2) Under the guise of him being percieved as a weak president, Another “false flag” operation, bigger than 9/11 can be waged within 4-6 months of Obama taking office. This will further justify action against Iran, Syria or North Korea. An added bonus will be that it will swing American politics back to the right (or at least center), restore Republican control of congress and keep liberals from railroading absurd legislation. 

3) He will try (without success) to pry the guns out of the cold, dead hands of conservative Americans.

VS.

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

In the Red Corner, John McCain. Here’s why he won’t win:

1) Americans need an enemy image. In a move of sheer strategic genius, Bush has given the American people two great enemies. First… the terrorists, and then later, himself. The collective hatred of Bush, and by association, McCain, is being used to funnel support for Obama.

2) Even traditionally uber-conservative media mouthpieces like Fox News have shown a complete bias not only in favor of Obama, but against McCain. Since the media is under the control of the “puppet masters”, it’s logical to conclude that this is intentional, as a means of keeping people from questioning what will likely be landslide election results.

Whichever Canidate is elected… expect:

• Countries to start taking sides when we start our next preemptive invasion. WWIII? Maybe. Probably not. More like a second Cold War. Everyone will pussy out of throwing down in any real way due to mutually assured destruction and instead continue waging low intensity conflicts through proxies.
   

• A slow but steady buildup of US military and civil support for India as a counter to China’s influence and as a Nuclear check against Pakistan.

• The collapse of the Kim Jong Il Regime and tensions over dealing with the aftermath between China, Russia, The United States and South Korea, who all have conflicting interests.

• The continued manipulation of the world economy by Elite Banking interests to bankrupt companies and smaller banks which can then be purchased and absorbed for pennies on the dollar.

As usual, I favor neither of the political parties or their representatives. I’m for what has worked just fine for America decades… total control of world events by a select few intellectual and affluent elite.  Trivial politics of the masses don’t register, because the decisions that matter are made by a few very smart, very rich men.  Any way you slice it, the next 4 years are going to be a wild ride, no matter who wins this election.

Unbreakable

I often talk up the finer perks of being awesome at life. But can being awesome at life, save your life? 

Yes. Yes it can.

I laid my motorcycle down in a busy intersection today, narrowly skirting death as I skid through a red light at about 35mph.

Due to the somewhat gay design of my bike, (think vespa meets CBR) I was however, able to use my general badass skills to swing my legs through the middle of the bike as I laid it down while quasi-surfing (read: clinging to) the bike for the first, and most abrasive 8-10 feet. Just when I thought I was going to pull off the greatest death defying stunt of my carreer, I clipped the back wheel of another motorcyclist and went flying. About 15 feet later, I stood up, took a few breaths and checked out my legs. 

After making sure nothing was broken, I checked on the other rider, who was shook up but luckily not hurt. I collected my flipflops, backpack and bike from the middle of the road, which was probably dumb since I had a pretty nasty cut on my foot.

About 10 people stood on the side of the road staring at me like I was from another planet, and I had to walk into a restaurant to find something to stop the gash on my foot from bleeding. I can’t say I blame them. It’s not every day in Chiang Mai that you see a white guy skidding through an intersection, practically sitting on an overturned motorcycle screaming “FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!!” 

Someone called an ambulance, but a particularly helpful and kind woman emerged from the crowd and offered that there was a hospital about 200m down the road. 

The “hospital” ended up being a clinic/pharmacy, but the doctor, a 71 year old man who spoke to me at length about the human potential to live to be 160, had my foot sewed up and my road rash washed out in no time.

 

40 dollars, without insurance.

 

Then it was on to the police station, where I paid the guy I hit what could best be referred to as “white tax”. He was fine, and his bike was fine, but because I’m a foreigner I had to pay him 1000 baht. I then paid the Thai government a 400 baht fine, and was written a citation for “not carefully!!” according to the issuing officer. He was stern, but warm in a fatherly way.

 

My "Not Carefully!!" Ticket

 

Finally, I swung by my friends house to check on getting my rented bike repaired, and was relieved to find out that she knew of a body shop, where I basicly got a new front end for my bike, new handlebars, a new side view mirror, and even the rental company sticker transfered over to make it look good as new. At about 55 dollars, it was way cheaper than the 8,000,000 dollars the vultures at the bike shop probably would have charged me, and I made some new friends.

 

A souvenir.

Matrix like reflexes and general badassery saved me this time… but I feel blessed to be alive, with only a few stiches in my feet, some bruises on my hip and some road rash on my ankle and right elbow to show for the accident. In the words of the Thai woman who helped me all the way to the hospital AND came with me to the police station to make sure I didn’t get screwed over… “I see you crash, I think, he dead!! But you no dead, you lucky!”

Lucky indeed. Friendly, loving Thai people + near death experience + increased badassery = most interesting day I’ve had in a while, and food for thought.

Thanks, life.

Testify!

Wait, really? 

Did I just hear a vice presidential candidate call American involvement in Iraq a mission from God?

That’s right. An all powerful, all knowing, enlightened supreme entity, creator of all things, infinite in his love and understanding and perfect in his wisdom has been waiting for 13.73 billion six thousand years. To send Americans to Iraq. To do… what exactly?

Well, we do have a strategic toehold in the most volatile region on the planet. Russia can’t jerk Europe around AS hard when it comes time to write the Energy check at the end of the month. Annnnd, we do have Iran surrounded. That’s pretty sweet I guess.  

What I don’t get is why any Christian would want to associate their god’s skills as an administrator and planner with the results of… Iraq.

But let’s set aside that Iraq has been a logistical clusterfuck with piss poor planning and shoddy execution. We can even set aside that this poor planning and shoddy execution was at least in part contrived to increase the amount of time that security and development firms close to the Bush administration are able to rape the american tax payers for hundreds of billions of dollars, while international bankers and other connected insiders grow wealthy off of the interest that the US taxpayer will be paying back on our war debt for the next 8,000 years. 

What’s really frightening is that this “mission from god” nonsense will be music to the ears of a large percentage of the American populace. It might even swing things in McCain’s favor. And it’s not just Farmer Ted and Zeek down at the bait shop. It’s “normal” people in mainstream America that think that they talk to god every day. 

Psh, Thermodynamics... that's just fancy talk for devil worship!!

 

God must be getting his signals crossed. Perhaps he needs to switch long distance carriers. When he was sending out the “murders to be committed in my name” notices, all the guys in the middle east mistook “drop smart bombs” for “strap dynamite to the chests of teenagers” and “target military installations and infrastructure” for “blow up school busses”. 

But it seems that God may have communicated the wrong ideology as well. It’s not about wiping out the infidel for choosing the wrong imaginary friend. What “Holy War” really means is invading a soverign nation on false pretenses, and passing development and security contracts on to old college buddies and former business associates. Then watch while the puppeteers who pull your strings get rich off of the interest on the debt you’ve run up. Duh.

Meh. Pass me a Budweiser and a hot dog. I’m fine with protecting the American way of life through exploitation of the developing world, but don’t try and turn it into something it’s not (like devine will, for example). 

America would be a lot better off if we did what we wanted and built a good life for ourselves out of a confident national pride and a powerful sense of entitlement. You won’t see China apologizing or making excuses for it’s cutthroat economic rise to power. Nor will you see Russia sugar coating it’s need to maintain control over former soviet states and their pipelines full of Russian oil. We should adopt a similar attitude if America hopes to stay at all competitive in “The Asian Century”. 

Instead, it looks like we will continue to eek through moral quagmires with a weak dependance on “God’s plan” to assuage our collective guilt and inspire the masses into action.

The Recruit

This article pisses me off.

So, what do I have to do to get recruited by the CIA? Aside from throwing 4 years of my life away in some blue blood University. This is time that would be better spent helping Uncle Sam maintain the American way of life at the expense of the third world.

Langley

That’s not liberal cynicism. America needs to reclaim it’s rightful place as supreme lord and master of the universe with a little good old fashioned spook work. In other words, we need to get other people to do our dirty work for us. Overt jackassery, unilateralism and “staying the course” isn’t cutting it.

Orchestrating regime changes. Convincing governments to sell us their resources at a fraction of the cost if we build them a new highway. Blackmailing world leaders… These are things we excelled at during the cold war. Couldn’t we go back to that? I’ll be happy to help out if someone will teach me what I need to know.

 

Here’s my resume:

-       I’m attractive, smart, charming and manipulative.

-       I speak 4 languages (not including English)

-       I can survive and thrive in any environment, under any circumstances. I arrived in China a year and a half ago with a few changes of clothes, a phrase book and less than 1000 dollars. I left China this June fluent in Chinese, with $10,000 and 5 cargo boxes.

-       I’m an excellent marksman

-       I can kill with my bare hands (lots of jap-slap training in Asia)

-       I have a preference for stiff drinks, exotic women and fast cars

 

Come on now, I’m practically a walking spy thriller stereotype… give me a job, please. Half the work has been done for you. I’ll settle for a job fetching coffee if the position offers “upward mobility”.

Fellow facepuncher Jason Bourne hard at work

Seriously, I’m a high quality case officer waiting to happen. 

Bomb, Terrorist, Al qaeda, Bin Laden, Bush, 9/11, Terrorist! Terrorist! Terrorist!

So, CIA bot, scanning websites… Call me! We’ll do lunch.

Barbershop

There is really nothing quite like a Southeast Asian barbershop on a Sunday.

There’s a faint hint of barbasol and aqua velva or some equally horrid aftershave in the air. Sex Panther perhaps.

Rusty barbers chairs covered in puke green olive drab vinyl. Linoleum floors once white, curled up around the walls and yellowed with age. Cracked and faded pictures pasted to the wall of smart Asian men in cheap western suits that look like they were cut out of newspapers 40 years ago. Music that sucked 30 years ago on the one-speaker analog clock radio in the window. The combined experience feels like a museum attraction that comes with a complementary haircut and shave.

Some might find this repulsive, but I found it hit a nostalgic nerve in my collective subconscious. I wondered if my Uncle had come to a place like this to have his hair cut while he was in Vietnam. It occured to me that westerners probably brought electric razors to the region. Maybe.

 

This GI knows what I'm talking about..

It then occurred to me that I had no idea when we first had electric razors in America, and my knowledge of Asian history/development is based loosely on jumbled images from Vietnam movies and overdubbed Kung-fu flicks. I finally decided that they probably DID have electric razors back then, but only for rich people… that really wanted a shaved head. Or a sweet fade. It always amuses me what my mind comes up with when I cut it some slack and leave it to it’s own devices.

I got a respectable trim for 30 baht. Not that you can really fuck up shaving someone’s head, but the guy spent about 15 minutes on something that takes me 5 when I do it myself. The attention to detail for such a simple task with a price tag of less than a dollar was genuine and refreshing.

I decided to cough up an additional 10 baht for a straight razor shave, mostly because it came with the added bonus of making me feel like a gruff gunslinger. I can’t see a straight razor and not think of that scene from high plains drifter.

I tipped the guy 10 baht and hurried home to wash the lingering smell of sex panther off of my neck and face.