Thinking of sending me a chain letter? That will be the last time one of your messages actually goes to my inbox, instead of my spambox.
Here’s a list of people that have never sent / will never send me an inane chain letter:
- 3-4 friends in America that are good at life.
- My advisor
- My mother
- My father
- My brother
- My sister
Here’s a list of people that consistently forward me hilarious jokes in poor taste.
- Big Jimmy D.
Coincidentally, these are pretty much the only people I really enjoy getting email from. Anyone else is fair game for the tempting “report spam” button in my gmail account.
Yes, chain letters are spam.
Short version
If you are dumb enough to:
a) think that you really will die or win the lottery based on whether or not you forward an email
b) think that I care / want to hear about your political, religious or sexual orientation
Then I don’t really want to get email from you.
Long Version
Here are five reasons why I want to punch you in the face.
5 – Little Amy Bruce
The little abused, cancer stricken girl that started it all. For every time this email gets forwarded, Make-a-Wish will donate x cents toward paying for her treatment.
That’s right, a foundation world renowned for doing whatever it takes to make dying kids happy has told a terminally ill 7 year old girl that they will only help her pay her medical bills (a few cents at a time) if she can convince thousands of strangers to forward a humiliating email that graphically describes her cancer ridden body.
Since the release of slum dog millionaire, white-guilt has caused Amy to shape shift into a destitute Indian child. Still, this is preferable to the post Darfur hubub AIDS babies. I think the Nigerian millionaire was funding that one.
4 – THE ALL CAPS MISSPELLED HORROR STORY WRITTEN BY A 6TH GRADER
I AM A 7 Y.O. GRL WHO LIVED IN DA BACEMENT OF MUH MOMS HOUSE UNTIL SHE BEAT ME WITH HER BASEBALL BAT. AND PUT ME IN A CAGE. I’M ALSO DEAD. IF U DON’T SEND THIS TO 15 PPL I WILL COME OUT OF UR CLOSET AND RAPE UR CAT WITH A SANDPAPER DILDO. IF U DON’T BELIEVE ME THATS FINE JUST W8 UNTIL I COME OUT OF THE YOUR CLOSET TONGIHT HAHAHAHAHA.
Ok, so i’ve never actually gotten one that bad. At least not via email. And that my friends, is the story of why I haven’t checked my myspace in almost four years.
3 – Bill Gates shares his wealth / hotmail deletes your account
I can’t count the number of times I have gotten this. Sometimes Bill is thanking us for using windows (but only if you’ll do his name proper by sending a chain letter on his behalf), sometimes he wants idiots with hotmail.com addresses to help him “beta test email”. He is always willing to pay handsomely for this.
Bill's actual message for you.
Sometimes Hotmail has “really busy servers” and they want to lighten their server load by getting people to send tons of chain letters, so they can eliminate useless customers – the ones that DON’T forward every single piece of garbage they get to every person who has ever emailed them, ever.
This is the kind of chain letter that makes me want to collect every name on the list and start a lucrative business as a con man. Fish in a barrel.
2- Conservative Story + Challenge to be more closed minded == Double Danger Dare!
Juan Asshumper was a dirty, non-white, obama supporting, al qaeda sleeper agent homosexual living in sin with his communist, cuban, under-aged boy toy in San Franscisco. They owned an independent music shop that occasionally offered shelter to homeless late stage AIDS victims… until one proud American citizen decided to do something.
Using only the millions daddy left her in her trust fund and the power of a woman who knows her family connections will keep her out of jail, Jane Waspcrotch blocked the entrance to the store for a whole week with a Chevy Tahoe full of aborted immigrant fetuses swaddled in throw aways from last season’s Lilly Pulitzer catalog!
Most people won’t have the courage to stand up for what they believe in… but standing up for what you believe in is what made America Great! Will you stand up for what you believe in? If so, forward this story of real American courage to as many people as you can and let the liberals know that we won’t stop until we control 100% of the wealth in this country! Also, I love Jesus!
Having graduated from a private college preparatory high school, i still occasionally get these. I put them on my domestic extremist watch list and wait for the right time to strike – with a 24 month subscription to “Black Hunks with Big Junk” using their work addresses.
1 – Some crappy poem + Cry for attention
A true friend… some qualifying statement about friendship (1)
…
A true friend… some qualifying statement about friendship (n)
I sent this to you because you are my true friend. Send this to all of your true friends with the subject “I desperately need attention”. I’ll know how you feel if I get one back from you!
<Insert cat picture here>
Le sigh.
I’m really not a cruel, cold hearted person. All I ask is that you don’t send me every piece of garbage you find surfing the interwebz. If you really want to talk to me, or you just need to feel a connection to others to make it through your day, sit down and write me a genuine note to see how I am doing.
I am also always up for a legitimate piece of internet gold that is full of (actually) hilarious photos that I haven’t already seen 80 times. No cats please, k? thx.
