I was digging through the document archives in one of my removable hard drives the other day and I came upon a forum post I worked on years ago but never posted about the kind of people that you meet traveling in Asia. Well, China to be exact – that’s where I was living when I wrote the post.
Amazingly, replacing all instances of “China” with “Thailand”, “Laowai” with “Farang” and “Chinese” with “Thai” didn’t really cause the post to loose much meaning. It seems you meet the same kind of douchetrolls in Thailand as you do in China. I had to change a few things but I’d say about 75% is old material that is also relevant to foreigners in China.
My parents always tell me how proud they are of me for being a world traveler who has been able to make a place for himself in so many foreign countries. Perhaps if they knew about the stigma that went along with being a white man in Asia, they might feel differently.
Being a white, multilingual, morally ambiguous male in Asia is like plugging a game genie up to “life” and putting in all the cheat codes. Hotter women, lower cost of living, increased social status, increased size of genetalia relative to the general public, celebrity status in many places, etc.
Basicly, you can become a rap star overnight simply by buying a plane ticket to Asia. This typically attracts the worst kind of people. I often say I have met some of the coolest people (The “Farang” Farang) and also some of the sleaziest people (every other farang catagorized below) I have ever known while traveling in Asia. Obviously, the latter group is the overwhelming majority.
So, let’s get this show on the road!
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Know Your Farangs
An (un)official guide to male foreigners in Thailand
The “Tourist” Farang – This person, for all intents and purposes can be ignored. Tourists usually exhibit some form of mild retardation during their stay in Thailand that may present as symptoms of any of the below classifications. Because they are here for such a short period of time however, their complete lack of understanding of anything below the tourism authority’s well manicured “Thai Smile” surface is mostly harmless.
The “Farang” Farang – Just some dude, kicking it in Thailand. Perhaps this person is a retired expat, overseas worker, university student, competent English teacher, adventure traveler or just a fan of Thailand. Language skills in line with time in country, respectful of cultural differences and traditions. All around, a pretty swell guy.
The “Sex Tourist” Farang – This farang is creepy, usually older, often overweight and/or balding. He can easily be spotted by the copy of “Making Out in Thai” sticking out of his back pocket. He always wants to know where the girls are, and how much they cost… just out of curiosity of course. Can also be found in the English section of the bookstore, preying on university students or on Loi Kroh road buying flowers from hill tribe children.
The “Sherminator” Farang – This farang couldn’t get a date to save his life back home. He is an awkwardbot from the future reprogrammed to trick Isan girls into “loving” him by spending as much as he must to make every date they go on look like the final scene in a bad romantic comedy. Often married to the first girl that will actually have sex with him because “she isn’t like the other girls he’s met”. He will likely mutate into a Sex Tourist Farang after his wife realizes he isn’t actually rich and leaves him for a Preston Lewis Stevenson IV Farang.
The wondering monk will eat your worldview for breakfast. Om nom nom nom...
The “Wondering Monk” Farang - has some books you should read. Be ready to be “educated” about how flawed your views of religion, philosophy and life in general are. A misunderstanding of Buddhism manifested by a belief that it is strikingly similar to Paganism and New Age Sorcery is a pre-requisite for inclusion in this classification.
The “Why the Fuck am I Still Here” Farang – This farang hates Thai people, Thai culture, Thai food – anything Thai really. If it weren’t for the low cost of living, submissive women and an ideal place to hide from life, he would have left years ago. Thai people are only good for two things to this Farang – serving him completely without question and shutting the fuck up.
The “Fugitive” Farang – A chameleon of age and appearance, the Fugitive Farang can be difficult to spot. This Farang is on the run from something… family/wife, the IRS, Child Molestation charges etc. He just came to Thailand for “A fresh start”. A Sketchy story about how he arrived in Thailand and what he his doing here is likely.
The “Been There, Done That” Farang – Warning! Do not enter into a bar conversation with this Farang under any circumstances!! He has owned no less than 6 restaurants, 3 bars and 5 night clubs in at least 9 countries. He has had a minimum of 3 wives and 7 mistresses, and has experienced prostitutes from every imaginable locale. Amazingly, he has “owned” property in any place you have visited, or have considered visiting. Tip: Develop a random “nod” / “oh yeah” pattern as he vomits his mostly fabricated life story into your lap and keep the shots coming.
Untested Solution: Subtly steer the conversation in a Racist direction during the early “former profession” stage, then when he invariably talks trash about “x race” and how they stole some thriving business from him in “y country”, claim your foster parents are of “x race” and storm off while he is scrambling to recover.
The “Comic Book Store Guy From The Simpsons” Farang – The name says it all. Be on the lookout for ponytails, acne, obesity and an infinite supply of silk dragon/tiger button up shirts. Pointing at a phrase book and yelling the phonetic English printed under the Thai script is just as good as actual language ability for him. Frustration with the locals for not understanding his “Thai” is often displayed by honking awkwardly at them in English, using body language to express exasperation, or calling them ignorant while mumbling under his breath. A Dungeons and Dragons Challenge is likely, so get your hit points right and stock up on potions.
The “How Does This Place Stay In Business?” Farang – This Farang demands a western standard of service at 1/23rd the price! Overworked, underpaid employees who don’t work for tips are not considerations for this would-be restaurant management consultant! A demonstration of his delusional belief that he can impart a comprehension of the English language on waitstaff by firmly repeating his order 5-8 times as loudly and obnoxiously as possible is inevitable.
The “Jaded” Farang – This farang knows that Thai women can’t be trusted, because every single one he’s ever met (at a bar or on an “internet dating” site) has completely screwed him. Besides, it’s common knowledge that 97% of a Thai women’s body is composed of pure AIDS. His cultural ineptitude, lack of (real) Thai language ability and obnoxious childlike behavior have nothing to do with his poor track record. The real reason he can’t make slutty women he meets in inappropriate places put up with his bullshit is because “Thai women are snakes”.
The “Word to the Wise” Farang – This typically older farang is a slightly less abrasive hybrid between the Why the Fuck am I Still Here Farang and the Jaded Farang. He has been here so long and “been through so much” that he no longer is upset by anything. Instead, he spends all his time telling you how to avoid having a life as shitty as his. Of course, the fault lies with Thai people and their treacherous ways, not his complete inability to succeed as a human being. Prepare yourself for numerous stories about failed businesses, the women who ruined him, and why all Thai people are monkeys who should be more grateful for the baht we put into their economy.
The “Preston Lewis Stevenson IV” Farang –Often found horridly overdressed, bathed in cologne and coated in a fine film of hair gel/aftershave. Frequently spotted in overpriced bars on Neimenhamen. Cushy exchange program participation or running daddy’s factory are common daytime activities. Possesses elementary language skills with a complete absence of proper tone usage or pronunciation. This won’t stop him from barking incomprehensible commands in broken Thai to the bar staff, tuk-tuk drivers and his empty shell of a CMU girlfriend like he is a native!
The “I’m Thai at Heart” Farang - This farang is most easily spotted by his clothes, typically things hill tribe people stopped wearing about 50 years ago. Look for loose cotton or silk pants and a hill tribe button up shirt. This farang wais awkwardly to everyone – including children and the girls that greet you outside of a restaurant – at least twice. His Thai is absolutely terrible, but he is quick to tell you how “grateful” Thai people are that he can speak their language and will relate to you at least twice in any given conversation that a multitude of Thai people have complimented him about his Thai. He abhors all of the above farangs who haven’t learned Thai culture as well as he has.
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Well, that’s it for now. Any additions? Put them in the web 2.0 hell section and I’ll consider adding them!
