I sold a car to this Indian dude when I was 18 or 19. I got him a pretty good deal because I needed one more car out for the month to get a bonus and he was a ruthless Indian haggling machine.

At one point during the negotiations, he offered me free food at his restaurant – going so far as to say (probably for effect) that he wouldn’t sign the contract unless I agreed to come by for dinner on a regular basis.

We eventually settled on a number, but there was some temporary hangup with his loan and I put him out in a demo for the night to make sure he would come back the next day so we could close. The finance manager had me follow the guy to his restaurant to get some tax returns or something so we could re-submit his loan application early the next morning. While the guy was gathering the documents,  he had his daughter make me a big to-go box of Indian food.

Being a 19-year-old redneck/yo-boy used car salesman who thought Indian food smelled like 5 -week-old dead baby fetuses, I tossed it in the dumpster behind the dealership when I got back to work. I stopped at McDonald’s that night on the way home for a combo meal instead.

The guy came in the next day and took delivery of a his car, but I never went back to his restaurant. If I could go back in time and punch myself in the face, I would, because Indian food is incredible. It even smells incredible if you have smelled something other than American fast food. Of course, I had to get away from the states for a bit to discover that. I guess some people never learn.

Just a few weeks after posting my know your farang article, The Nation and the Chiang Mai tourist police have been kind enough to provide me with a bit of additional blogging fodder in the form of a particularly grumpy (and probably very lonely) “how does this place stay in business” Farang. (story here)

I’m sorry, is 4-9 dollars too much to pay for cab fare across town while on holiday? Did the taxi driver’s attempt to put food on his table get in the way of your mission to turn a proper 3 day 4 night vacation budget into a 6 month long, fan room living, sang som drinking, Loi Kroh whore fucking mid-life crisis?

If you really want to compare the service with London’s, maybe you should pay London prices. How about 40 quid for a ride to the airport instead?

If you don’t like the prices, learn to speak Thai / negotiate, take a tuktuk, or walk your fat ass to Robinson instead. I’ve never paid more than 80 baht for a ride across town.

Then again, I’m not a tourist douchebag.

Click 4 canz big.

Watson may have schooled us meatbags in jeopardy, but its retarded step cousin the microwave still can’t tell the difference between a piece of completely frozen meat and a mug of lukewarm water.

Of course, that didn’t stop me from buying one when we moved into the new house last year. I just picked up the cheapest Samsung analog jobbie I could find at Carrefour (similar to the one in the photo). I think it was 30 bucks or something.

I’m comfortable with my choice. At least with analog knobs you get a continuum of shitty options, allowing for the illusion of control as you endlessly fiddle with the amount of terrible your microwave delivers. I’ll take that any day over having my food destroyed in perfectly measured digital chunks.

I’d be willing to bet good money that a graph charting the popularity of organized religion over the last 100 years is inversely proportional to a graph charting the popularity of commercial and collegiate team sports.

But hey man, whatever floats your boat. I’m not judging you.

Whether you are chatting up your imaginary friend or cheering on your imaginary teammates (WE didn’t “miss our three-pointers”, a bunch of genetic freaks did while you watched), I really don’t give a fuck as long as you don’t try to waste my time in addition to yours.

The point that the legendary Dennis Reynolds once made about people’s dreams also holds true when it comes to watching sports.

That is – watching team sports is like looking through a stack of someone else’s photos. If I’m not in any of them and no one is having sex, i just don’t care.

Because wordpress wants me to pay 14.99 to edit the theme / HTML / CSS on my blog (fair enough but I’m cheap…), you’ll need to click the image for a full sized version.

Click on the image, then zoom in to view non-blurry text. Damn it WordPress.

Come on now, I can’t be good at EVERYTHING. That just wouldn’t be fair.

Check this out mang… If your philosophy, religious beliefs, musical genre or cooking style is “post” anything, I am “post paying attention”.

Seriously, tell me what you are, not what you aren’t. Better yet, show me. Actions are the new words.

Click 4 Canz Big

At the end of this semester, I will probably have a 4.0 GPA against 28 Computer Science and general ed credits. Don’t get excited, that doesn’t mean what it did in 1968 when we were trying to send rockets into space, and more importantly – I go to Payap, not MIT.

Whatever. It’s 2011. Let that sink in first.

For all of the time I have spent glued in a seat, either working on classwork or assignments outside of class, not a single hour has been spent doing anything even remotely related to web technologies. Most of my professors won’t even let me submit work online via the e-learning system my school probably spent a lot of money on.

0 hours of web tech. Next semester I will have the option to take a class that offers a few weeks of mark-up, a few weeks of style sheets and about 6 weeks of PHP and MySQL.

The final project? A primitive CMS. The McDonnald’s of the internet, in other words. Not even that… a foundation where a future McDonald’s could be built perhaps.

This class is not even a core class, it’s an elective. Beyond that, there is one “selected topics” course in mobile apps and another elective in internet entrepreneurship.  There is a networking class which looks pretty badass, but such a low level nuts and bolts class has little to do with web development.

To  be fair, I have a love/hate relationship with math and low level programming that typically tends toward love. I enjoy the “intellectual masterbation” of a tough problem set as much as the next geek, and there is no getting around learning the nuts and bolts of programming through mostly boring and impractical command line programs.

Still, only two or three elective classes dealing directly with web technologies for a computer science degree? You would think Al Gore had yet to invent the interwebz.

My advisor insists that these are “vocational” and not “academic” topics that have no place in a University setting. Things that my future employer should teach me. Now look, he and I disagree strongly about this, but I can’t count the number of times he has waited patiently for me to stop being a retard about something, so I kinda want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Telling a career academic what academia should be like your freshman year in college is like telling the foreman on a construction project he is “doin’ it wrong” as you hop off the banana boat. Part of me doesn’t want to be that guy.

A much larger, more rational part of me can’t help but wonder what kind of job postings he has been reading.

“Due to current economic conditions, Inotech is seeking recent graduates with little or no hands on experience with web technologies. Our business model is to train inexperienced people at our own expense and pray they don’t leave us after two years for a higher paying job with a company that hires people who know what they are doing.”

Guess I better get to work on a portfolio. That house ain’t gonna build itself.

Amazingly, replacing all instances of “China” with “Thailand”, “Laowai” with “Farang” and “Chinese” with “Thai” didn’t really cause the post to loose much meaning. It seems you meet the same kind  of douchetrolls in Thailand as you do in China. I had to change a few things but I’d say about 75% is old material that is also relevant to foreigners in China.

My parents always tell me how proud they are of me for being a world traveler who has been able to make a place for himself in so many foreign countries. Perhaps if they knew about the stigma that went along with being a white man in Asia, they might feel differently.

Being a white, multilingual, morally ambiguous male in Asia is like plugging a game genie up to “life” and putting in all the cheat codes. Hotter women, lower cost of living, increased social status, increased size of genetalia relative to the general public, celebrity status in many places, etc.

Basicly, you can become a rap star overnight simply by buying a plane ticket to Asia. This typically attracts the worst kind of people. I often say I have met some of the coolest people (The “Farang” Farang) and also some of the sleaziest people (every other farang catagorized below) I have ever known while traveling in Asia. Obviously, the latter group is the overwhelming majority.

So, let’s get this show on the road!

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Know Your Farangs
An (un)official guide to male foreigners in Thailand

The “Tourist” Farang – This person, for all intents and purposes can be ignored. Tourists usually exhibit some form of mild retardation during their stay in Thailand that may present as symptoms of any of the below classifications. Because they are here for such a short period of time however, their complete lack of understanding of anything below the tourism authority’s well manicured “Thai Smile” surface is mostly harmless.

The “Farang” Farang – Just some dude, kicking it in Thailand. Perhaps this person is a retired expat, overseas worker, university student, competent English teacher, adventure traveler or just a fan of Thailand. Language skills in line with time in country, respectful of cultural differences and traditions. All around, a pretty swell guy.

The “Sex Tourist” Farang – This farang is creepy, usually older, often overweight and/or balding. He can easily be spotted by the copy of  “Making Out in Thai” sticking out of  his back pocket. He always wants to know where the girls are, and how much they cost… just out of curiosity of course. Can also be found in the English section of the bookstore, preying on university students or on Loi Kroh road buying flowers from  hill tribe children.

The “Sherminator” Farang – This farang couldn’t get a date to save his life back home. He is an awkwardbot from the future reprogrammed to trick Isan girls into “loving” him by spending as much as he must to make every date they go on look like the final scene in a bad romantic comedy. Often married to the first girl that will actually have sex with him because “she isn’t like the other girls he’s met”. He will likely mutate into a Sex Tourist Farang after his wife realizes he isn’t actually rich and leaves him for a Preston Lewis Stevenson IV Farang.

The wondering monk will eat your worldview for breakfast. Om nom nom nom...

The “Wondering Monk” Farang - has some books you should read. Be ready to be “educated” about how flawed your views of religion, philosophy and life in general are. A misunderstanding of Buddhism manifested by a belief that it is strikingly similar to Paganism and New Age Sorcery is a pre-requisite for inclusion in this classification.

The “Why the Fuck am I Still Here” Farang – This farang hates Thai people, Thai culture, Thai food – anything Thai really. If it weren’t for the low cost of living, submissive women and an ideal place to hide from life, he would have left years ago. Thai people are only good for two things to this Farang – serving him completely without question and shutting the fuck up.

The “Fugitive” Farang – A chameleon of age and appearance, the Fugitive Farang can be difficult to spot. This Farang is on the run from something… family/wife, the IRS,  Child Molestation charges etc. He just came to Thailand for “A fresh start”. A Sketchy story about how he arrived in Thailand and what he his doing here is likely.

The “Been There, Done That” Farang – Warning! Do not enter into a bar conversation with this Farang under any circumstances!! He has owned no less than  6 restaurants, 3 bars and 5 night clubs in at least 9 countries. He has had a minimum of 3 wives and  7 mistresses, and has experienced prostitutes from every imaginable locale. Amazingly, he has “owned” property in any place you have visited, or have considered visiting. Tip: Develop a random “nod” / “oh yeah” pattern as he vomits his mostly fabricated life story into your lap and keep the shots coming.

Untested Solution: Subtly steer the conversation in a Racist direction during the early “former profession” stage, then when he invariably talks trash about “x race” and how they stole some thriving business from him in “y country”, claim your foster parents are of  “x race” and storm off while he is scrambling to recover.

The “Comic Book Store Guy From The Simpsons” Farang – The name says it all. Be on the lookout for ponytails, acne, obesity and an infinite supply of silk dragon/tiger button up shirts. Pointing at a phrase book and yelling the phonetic English printed under the Thai script is just as good as actual language ability for him. Frustration with the locals for not understanding his “Thai” is often displayed by honking awkwardly at them in English, using body language to express exasperation, or calling them ignorant while mumbling under his breath.  A Dungeons and Dragons Challenge is likely, so get your hit points right and stock up on potions.

The “How Does This Place Stay In Business?” Farang – This Farang demands a western standard of service at 1/23^rd the price! Overworked, underpaid employees who don’t work for tips are not considerations for this would-be restaurant management consultant! A demonstration of his delusional belief that he can impart a comprehension of the English language on waitstaff by firmly repeating his order 5-8 times as loudly and obnoxiously as possible is inevitable.

The “Jaded” Farang – This farang knows that Thai women can’t be trusted, because every single one he’s ever met (at a bar or on an “internet dating” site) has completely screwed him. Besides, it’s common knowledge that 97% of a Thai women’s body is composed of pure AIDS. His cultural  ineptitude, lack of (real) Thai language ability and obnoxious childlike behavior have nothing to do with his poor track record. The real reason he can’t make slutty women he meets in inappropriate places put up with his bullshit is because “Thai women are snakes”.

The “Word to the Wise” Farang – This typically older farang is a slightly less abrasive hybrid between the Why the Fuck am I Still Here Farang and the Jaded Farang. He has been here so long and “been through so much” that he no longer is upset by anything. Instead, he spends all his time telling you how to avoid having a life as shitty as his. Of course, the fault lies with Thai people and their treacherous ways, not his complete inability to succeed as a human being. Prepare yourself for numerous stories about failed businesses, the women who ruined him, and why all Thai people are monkeys who should be more grateful for the baht we put into their economy.

The “Preston Lewis Stevenson IV” Farang –Often found horridly overdressed, bathed in cologne and coated in a fine film of hair gel/aftershave. Frequently spotted in overpriced bars on Neimenhamen. Cushy exchange program participation or running daddy’s factory are common daytime activities. Possesses elementary language skills with a complete absence of proper tone usage or pronunciation. This won’t stop him from barking incomprehensible commands in broken Thai to the bar staff, tuk-tuk drivers and his empty shell of a CMU girlfriend like he is a native!

The “I’m Thai at Heart” Farang - This farang is most easily spotted by his clothes, typically things hill tribe people stopped wearing about 50 years ago. Look for loose cotton or silk pants and a hill tribe button up shirt. This farang wais awkwardly to everyone – including children and the girls that greet you outside of a restaurant – at least twice. His Thai is absolutely terrible, but he is quick to tell you how “grateful” Thai people are that he can speak their language and will relate to you at least twice in any given conversation that a multitude of Thai people have complimented him about his Thai. He abhors all of the above farangs who haven’t learned Thai culture as well as he has.

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Well, that’s it for now. Any additions? Put them in the web 2.0 hell section and I’ll consider adding them!

Well, I got an absolute beauty that I thought I would post today. Since the interwebz are rife with how to lists, top ten lists (top 5 in this case) and so on, I thought I would modify this particular gem to accurately express what the author was really trying to say.

Let’s get started.

—————–

Can I get you anything else? My soul perhaps?

Hey everone! A friend of mine sent this to me and I had to share it with you. Great for those weeks we all have sometimes!

Insert list of 85,000 headers that no one bothered to delete here. Scroll through 8000 lines of yahoo and hotmail email addresses for actual content.

5 tips to make your life more fulfilling!

How to feel good about your shitty life!

5. Give without asking in return – When someone asks for something, give it to them.  Don’t ask for anything in return. Don’t lend money, give it as a gift. Then, if someone doesn’t pay you back, you’ve got no reason to be upset!

Translation: Your time, money, energy and material possessions are more valuable in someone else’s possession because you are worthless. As you have no spine, conflict is uncomfortable so it’s better to just hand over whatever people want without argument!

4. GOD heals almost everything – Put your trust in god almighty, and know that he has a plan for you!

Translation: In his infinite love and understanding, God has decided to fuck up your life. He will fix everything when he feels like it. Be patient, and be glad you are not an amputee, because he has never healed one of those.

3. However bad you think your situation is, it could always be worse - Be grateful for what you have and remember that there are many others who are far less fortunate than you are.

Translation: Be happy for what little you’ve been given, because you don’t deserve it. Instead of trying to make your life better, spend your time feeling guilty about having more than people who have an even shittier life than you do.

2. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your family and your church  will. Remember what really matters!

Translation:  Count on others to take care of you because we all know you can’t take care of yourself!

1. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter? - New problems will come and old ones will go. Don’t spend all of your time worrying about them.

Translation: Instead of actually working in the present to face and overcome your problems, consider that in 5 years your life will probably be even shittier. Why bother?

—————–

I would love to punch the low-self-esteem-having  muppet who wrote this in the face. Who in their right mind would find this uplifting?

We are powerful beings with a lot of potential. Put your claws out and go for the jugular.

Here is my revised list.

—————–

Won't lend you his lawnmower. Even if you ask nicely.

How to Suck Less at Life

5) Don’t lend shit to people who are worse at life, or as bad at life as you are. If they are really your friend, offer to help them instead. You will have more fun on the project together anyway. If they want money, tell them to piss off.

4)  Doctors heal almost everything, with the help of modern science. To afford this you will need health insurance. Invest wisely.

3) However bad your situation is, it can easily be improved if you step back and apply a bit of logic and reason while looking for a solution. If you have no ability to reason or succeed at life on your own, seek the guidance of a capable friend.

2) Your job will absolutely take care of you when you are sick if you

• are actually sick and have invested in decent healthcare
• come out of pocket a bit each month for a good unemployment insurance policy
• get hurt on the job and file for workman’s comp

1) Re-frame every so-called disaster with these words: “How can I not fuck this up next time”.

That’s it. Get to work.

Click 4 Canz Big

Rapid Development Frameworks. Only rapid if you know exactly what you are doing.

Here’s a list of people that have never sent / will never send me an inane chain letter:

• 3-4 friends in America that are good at life.
• My advisor
• My mother
• My father
• My brother
• My sister

Here’s a list of people that consistently forward me hilarious jokes in poor taste.

• Big Jimmy D.

Coincidentally, these are pretty much the only people I really enjoy getting email from. Anyone else is fair game for the tempting “report spam” button in my gmail account.

Yes, chain letters are spam.

Short version

If you are dumb enough to:

a) think that you really will die or win the lottery based on whether or not you forward an email

b) think that I care / want to hear about your political, religious or sexual orientation

Then I don’t really want to get email from you.

Long Version

Here are five reasons why I want to punch you in the face.

5 –  Little Amy Bruce

The little abused, cancer stricken girl that started it all. For every time this email gets forwarded, Make-a-Wish will donate x cents toward paying for her treatment.

That’s right, a foundation world renowned for doing whatever it takes to make dying kids happy has told a terminally ill 7 year old girl that they will only help her pay her medical bills (a few cents at a time) if she can convince thousands of strangers to forward a humiliating email that graphically describes her cancer ridden body.

Since the release of slum dog millionaire, white-guilt has caused Amy to shape shift into a destitute Indian child. Still, this is preferable to the post Darfur hubub AIDS babies. I think the Nigerian millionaire was funding that one.

4 –  THE ALL CAPS MISSPELLED HORROR STORY  WRITTEN BY A 6TH GRADER

I AM A 7 Y.O. GRL WHO LIVED IN DA BACEMENT OF MUH MOMS HOUSE UNTIL SHE BEAT ME WITH HER BASEBALL BAT. AND PUT ME IN A CAGE. I’M ALSO DEAD. IF U DON’T SEND THIS TO 15 PPL I WILL COME OUT OF UR CLOSET AND RAPE UR CAT WITH A SANDPAPER DILDO. IF U DON’T BELIEVE ME THATS FINE JUST W8 UNTIL I COME OUT OF THE YOUR CLOSET TONGIHT HAHAHAHAHA.

Ok, so i’ve never actually gotten one that bad. At least not via email. And that my friends, is the story of why I  haven’t checked my myspace in almost four years.

3 – Bill Gates shares his wealth / hotmail deletes your account

I can’t count the number of times I have gotten this. Sometimes Bill is thanking us for using windows (but only if you’ll do his name proper by sending a chain letter on his behalf), sometimes he wants idiots with hotmail.com addresses to help him “beta test email”. He is always willing to pay handsomely for this.

Bill's actual message for you.

Sometimes Hotmail has “really  busy servers” and they want to lighten their server load by getting people to send tons of chain letters, so they can eliminate useless customers – the ones that DON’T forward every single piece of garbage they get to every person who has ever emailed them, ever.

This is the kind of chain letter that makes me want to collect every name on the list and start a lucrative business as a con man. Fish in a barrel.

2-  Conservative Story + Challenge to be more closed minded == Double Danger Dare!

Juan Asshumper was a dirty, non-white, obama supporting, al qaeda sleeper agent homosexual living in sin with his communist, cuban, under-aged boy toy in San Franscisco. They owned an independent music shop that occasionally offered shelter to homeless late stage AIDS victims… until one proud American citizen decided to do something.

Using only the millions daddy left her in her trust fund and the power of a woman who knows her family connections will keep her out of jail, Jane Waspcrotch blocked the entrance to the store for a whole week with a Chevy Tahoe full of aborted immigrant fetuses swaddled in throw aways from last season’s Lilly Pulitzer catalog!

Most people won’t have the courage to stand up for what they believe in… but standing up for what you believe in is what made America Great! Will you stand up for what you believe in? If so, forward this story of real American courage to as many people as you can and let the liberals know that we won’t stop until we control 100% of the wealth in this country! Also, I love Jesus!

Having graduated from a private college preparatory high school, i still occasionally get these. I put them on my domestic extremist watch list and wait for the right time to strike – with a 24 month subscription to “Black Hunks with Big Junk” using their work addresses.

1 – Some crappy poem + Cry for attention

A true friend… some qualifying statement about friendship (1)

…

A true friend… some qualifying statement about friendship (n)

I sent this to you because you are my true friend. Send this to all of your true friends with the subject “I desperately need attention”. I’ll know how you feel if I get one back from you!

<Insert cat picture here>

Le sigh.

I’m really not a cruel, cold hearted person. All I ask is that you don’t send me every piece of garbage you find surfing the interwebz. If you really want to talk to me, or you just need to feel a connection to others to make it through your day, sit down and write me a genuine note to see how I am doing.

I am also always up for a legitimate piece of internet gold that is full of (actually) hilarious photos that I haven’t already seen 80 times. No cats please, k? thx.

As a few of you may know, I’ve been sort of passively chasing that blackwater pipe dream that so many boys who never grew up are looking for. You know the one I’m talking about. The one where you grow a sweet “tactical beard”, let your hair get a bit long, slap on a pair of oakleys and get paid 18 zillion dollars a minute to guard some oil pipeline in  ______kimanistan. At the end of the day, you ride back to your luxury villa in a giant up-armored suburban where you are fed grapes by your entourage of local servant girls.

Tactical Beard? Check. Armored SUV? Check. No Shirt? Check. Grenade spoon tucked in belt? Check. Let's Roll.

Of course, it’s not so easy for guys like me, who have no military or law enforcement experience to get these jobs. This is understandable. How does a recruiter separate a bad ass like me from my pimply faced neighbor who thinks that beating Call of Duty 6 on veteran and earning his black belt in a mail order ninja course has prepared him for the rigors of contracting?

Unfortunately for me, I’m not all that different from that kid in their eyes (or in reality, as it were).  I really don’t have the kind of experience I would want before doing that kind of work anyway. Despite the fact that I did two months of tactical training in the Philippines, am a great marksman and have been training / boxing in Asia for the last 4 years, the truth is I am probably going to poop my pants if someone actually fires a gun in my general direction.

If I get rattled, I’m as likely to accidentally shoot a team member as I am one of the bad guys. Maybe even more likely. They would be the closest things making loud noises. I’d hate to be the unlucky bastard next to me if my nervous palms are gripping an automatic weapon when my reptilian brain takes over.

I remember the first time I was in a serious fist fight. I had no idea what to do. I literally became a retarded person for all 15 seconds it took for the other guy to beat the shit out of me. Everything went right out the window after that first stiff punch to the face.

I imagine getting shot at will produce similar results.

There is a flip side to that coin. Experience changes everything. These days there’s a good chance I would smash most fellas in a scuffle, but that’s only because I’ve been training / fighting for the last eighty-twelve years, and I know the average drunk white guy at a bar out here couldn’t fight his way through a paper machete Japanese door to find the next gonorrhea dripping east-asian bar slut who has finally escaped daddy’s clutches by doing a semester abroad in Thailand.

This is probably the reason most security contracting companies want cock swinging commandos with an SF background, at least 4 years of military service and a combat deployment. They know that these guys have seen pretty much everything, know their way around in a fight and typically aren’t prone to doing dumb shit when things get scary. They can fight with guns and other scary-ass shit the way an experienced boxer can fight with his hands. They know how to take a punch, so to speak.

Still, it’s getting a bit ridiculous. Now that there are so many guys coming off of multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and every cop in America is looking for a way to beat the current economic downturn, the contracting companies are getting pickier and pickier about what they will take. It’s getting to the point where even static (read: inside a well protected area, guarding a door and checking id) security gigs that used to require at most a high school diploma and a few years of any kind stable of work experience now require a serious resume. These are like, the fucking janitor jobs of the security contracting world.

The pay is shit (compared to what the mobile / PSD guys make), the contracts are usually shit and the living conditions leave quite a bit to be desired. Still, this was to be my bread and butter.  The kind of position even a geek off the street like me could get. I’d put in my time, not piss anyone off, show that i’m halfway competent and boom… maybe get promoted to some static supervisory position and pull down 75k a year.

I’d mod the shit out of the old ass, broken down M16 they’d give me to make it look like an M-4, grow my tactical beard nice and long, get some sweet photos of me in the desert with all of my gear on, looking intently into the distance… knowing this would scare the shit out of all my facebook friends who don’t know any better and would probably think I was an “Army Seal” or something. Ahh, the good life.

Surprisingly similar to my future Facebook profile image.

Alas, it seems it is not to be… as even these low level peon jobs now require more than just a set of balls, a willingness to put up with a whole lot of  bullshit and no problem living out in the middle of the desert. I guess recruiters can just choose to be that picky these days. There really are that many out of work soldiers and cops applying for these positions.

Well, I’m going to post a position of my own, in an effort to throw some of these John Rambos off of the scent. While they’re busy applying for my dummy position, i’ll be taking the real jobs. How you like them apples, GI Joe?

The ad needs to be as convincing as possible, so I will endeavor to make it look like every other contracting want-ad on the interwebz these days.

Position Available Immediately

Position: Assistant Security Monitor Watcher Watcher

Responsibilities: You will be responsible for assisting the watcher watching the static security guard who is watching the other static security guards on CCTV to make sure that they aren’t sleeping. This is considered a mission critical position, as sleeping security guards would be unable to defend the on base Burger King / KFC in case a band of poorly armed insurgents sneaks through the three-mile electronic surveillance perimeter and silently defeats the 200 marines providing perimeter security while avoiding overwatch provided by the US Air Force and a multi-trillion dollar intelligence apparatus. This is a 29 day on, 1 day off position. Contractors are expected to handle personal business (bowel movements, urination, personal hygiene) on off days.

Remuneration: $4,200 / month Tax-free.  Contract details and limitations will be discussed upon arrival.

Dear Mr. Borune, We'll keep your resume on file. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Living Conditions / Accommodation: During your 30 minute daily break, you will be allowed to return to your private villa, which we will provide for you. This will require a 15 minute trip (each way) in an unarmored SUV through hostile territory, so applicants should be fully qualified auto-mechanics and IED specialists in addition to any requirements listed below.

Requirements: Successful candidates will be between the ages of 25-32, with at least 20 years of military experience. 19 of those years should have been spent deployed in a combat zone. Applicants who have served in all four branches of the military, hold a doctorate in political science or middle eastern affairs and are also practicing medical doctors specializing in trauma / emergency medical treatment will be given preference. You must possess at least a TS/SCI security clearance and be an experienced Arabic, Dari and Pashto interrogator to be considered for this position.

If you feel you qualify, please use your pre-requisite IT / Communications skills to determine the origin of this message and apply in person. Because of the high volume of applicants, candidates who do not rappel in through our office window upside down with a knife in their teeth will not be considered.

If you are a returning candidate, wishing to check on the status of a previous application, please mark the mailbox outside of the Kremlin with invisible spy ink and wait in the park across the street from the US Embassy in Kabul for a man in a red hat to sit down on the bench under the big tree. Offer him a cigarette and tell him the weather is nice in Marseille this time of year.

Somedouche Risk Management, LLC

———————————————————————-

Now, I better get started applying for jobs!! Wish me luck!

Look out! They have flags!!!

Here is an article that is typical of how the Media has been covering the situation in Thailand.

Pay particular attention to the sub-headline, the part that starts “Fears of Widespread Violence Grow…”

Ok, Widespread? I’m going to go ahead and assume that by widespread, the author means the 5 blocks that have been cordoned off by Thai police for over a week.

That’s not to say that his hasn’t been a dangerous week to be a politically active Thai in Bangkok. Dozens of protesters were injured in a blast earlier today, bringing the injured count to well over a hundred since this mess started. They truely have my sympathy.

But dangerous for tourists? Please. They get no sympathy from me, nor should they from you. The situation in Thailand is about as dangerous for Farangs as the LA riots were for Thai people visiting relatives in Beverly Hills, or Thai tourists visiting the space needle during the WTO protests in Seattle in 1999.

Of course, this isn’t counting the bleeding heart Farang who is bound to make international headlines and ruin the tourist industry here for good when he shows up dead on the front page of The Nation, sprawled on the pavement clad in a Yellow PAD shirt. Some white douche who thinks he is Thai WILL shove his nose in the political situation and probably get hurt. You will probably see something on the news about a reporter, or some Thai girl’s farang boyfriend getting tear-gassed. Cry me a river.

Let’s keep some perspective. According to the US Department of Justice, there were 45 homicides A DAY in the United States in 2005, yet people still flock to our shores. Why? Because the vast majority of those killed or in danger were minorities, and our crime statistics get whitewashed by the media. Besides that, tourists know that if they avoid the “wrong” neighborhoods, they will probably be fine. Thailand is no different. If you see a bunch of Red and Yellow Shirted Thai’s throwing Molotov cocktails at each other, you might want to keep your distance.

So really, what is the worst thing that can happen to tourists who have even a little common sense while they are in Thailand during this time of political turmoil? Canceled flights and closed airports seem to be the biggest complaints.

Because I mean, these are legitimate things to complain about.

“Uhh… Honey, I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come home for at least another two weeks. I haven’t had my fill of bar girls yet. The Airports are shut down!!”

Sorry boss, I won't be into work this week. I'm trapped. In paradise.

I mean really, it should be the same joyful elation you experienced as a kid when it snowed and school was canceled.

Except, instead of freezing your ass off and being forced by your Mom to “get ahead on your work” by candlelight while the power is out, you are “trapped” in one of the friendliest, most beautiful contries on the planet surrounded by gorgeous women.

What a pity.

This is another case of a runaway media bandwagon where each headline is more sensationalist than the last, in hopes of capturing the white, advertising friendly audience blessed with the attention span of a 5 year old. It’s the same nonsense that turned a market correction into a near global economic meltdown  a month ago.

It’s a shame too, because a lot of people are going to miss out visiting a wonderful country because they believe everything they see on TV.

Sure, it looks romantic now... but romeo here will be spouting betanese by the weekend.

Earlier this week, I received some awful news from a good friend that her boyfriend had dumped her a few weeks before her birthday. According to her, his reasons were that “he was not good enough for her” and that “she deserves something better”.

Oh, the subtleties of “Betanese”. A secret language of beta males that has existed for centuries, if not millenia, for men who lack the testicular fortitude to be direct with the opposite sex. For the uninitiated, I’ve done some translations of common Betanese phrases into plain English. I’ll start with the few gems Mr. X dropped on my unsuspecting friend.

“I’m not good enough for you.” —-> You’re not good enough for me.

“You deserve to be happy” —–> You make me miserable.

“I just want you to be happy” —-> I’ll accept any situation or set of circumstances that leads to me not having to be your boyfriend, including but not limited to watching you blow the whole football team.

“I need some time to figure myself out” —-> I need some time to bang more chicks before I settle down with someone better than you to have a family.

“Let’s not call it a break up, let’s just take a break for a few weeks and then talk about it” —-> An ex-girlfriend will be in town for a week, and I need a free pass to bang her without putting up with your shit. (OR) I want to bang the new chick at work and not feel guilty about it.

“I need to find someone who is a free spirit, like me” —-> You won’t let me put it in your mouth and/or ass.

“I love you, I’m just not IN love with you” —-> The spark of lust we once had has died. Our sex based relationship has become boring.

“You’re so wonderful, and I know I’m just going to end up hurting you” —-> I’ve unsucsessfully tried to hook up with someone you know, and I know you’re going to find out sooner or later.

You may have noticed these are quite similar to the phrases women sometimes use to break it off with their emotionally fragile, pathetic boyfriends. Since beta males have more in common with women than they do with men, it is natural that their language is nothing more than a derivative of Vaginish… the secret code language of all females.

Women, with their biological imperitive to nuture ,shouldn’t be faulted for trying to coddle their pathetic boyfriends even in the final stages a doomed relationship.  Beta tool sheds on the other hand - should be ashamed of themselves.

So, my advice to my gorgeous friend: You’re barely into your 20′s. This is not the time to be looking for a husband or long term partner. In the meantime, find a real man, who knows his value… and yours. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell you exactly what is going on in his primitive, mammalian brain. It will be a bumpy ride, but you will love the chase of trying to pin him down, and you will never bore of trying to “change” him into a family man. If you are a real woman (and I think you are), you will eventually succeed at this.

If you are a closet succubus, you’ll get what you deserve and end up marrying some beta-provider tool shed who can’t get it up past 30.

This is a disturbing article.

While I am all for the pendulum of American politics swinging back to the opposite pole, for a while at least to create balance, gun control is an issue where I will forever remain conservative.

The question is wheather or not this paranoia has some basis in truth. Perhaps this is just another case of a bunch of Rednecks freaking out and getting excited over any opportunity to add to the family arsenal.

Still, the argument in favor of gun control will forever escape me. The typical argument I hear from my bleeding heart liberal douchebag friends is “There is serious gun control in Europe and the rate of violent crime there is much lower”.

This is untrue, and I have two points to make in reference to this piece of age old liberal rhetoric.

1) The violent crime rate is just as high, and much higher in some of the nations only recently added to the EU. More people get stabbed and beaten to death in Europe. I’ll take a bullet over slow painful death by bludgeoning any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people… often. That will never stop or change, no matter how many sociology classes you take. There are plenty of people in the world who didn’t enjoy the privileged life you did and would jump at the opportunity to kill you for little more than the clothes you are wearing.

2) We are to guns what Columbia is to Cocaine. In the United States, fully automatic machine guns were totally legal to own until 1984. Europeans by contrast, have been pussies for over a century about guns. Most European nations have had restrictions on private ownership of guns to some extent since their invention.

Point number one is self explanitory. Let’s bear in mind point number two as we delve a bit deeper into the mind of a criminal.

This guy will be first in line to turn in his guns...

Immagine this conversation:

Cletus: Yo ese, I’m gonna kill this fucker.

Timmy: Word. But make sure you use a knife. Guns is illegal and shit.

What is a Criminal? It isn’t a terribly difficult word to understand, but I won’t put myself out there by saying for sure. I would imagine however, that the formal definition probably goes something like “an individual who does not obey the law”.

It is typical American logic to assume that making something against the law will make people who, by their nature don’t obey the law, somehow comply.

Here’s the bottom line: The American government will never be able to get rid of all the guns in this country. They won’t even be able to get close. Assuming the police gave up on everything except collecting guns from private citizens, the infrastructure and manpower needed to hunt down and collect over 200 million registered firearms just doesn’t exist. This is not to mention the millions of illegally circulating weapons that aren’t registered.

Making guns illegal would be nothing but a (failed) attempt to take firearms out of the hands of law abiding citizens while virtually guaranteeing that a massive organized crime boom will occur.

A massive black market will be born, and it will probably be EASIER for criminals to get more dangerous weapons as a result of the dedicated networks that will no doubt pop up in the criminal underworld to make untold millions. Lowered supply + steady demand = profit.

I’m all for stringent criminal background checks, but anything else is nothing more than the clumsy apparatus of government trying to fix the gun problem with the same poorly conceived legislation that failed in the war on drugs.

Instead of treating the symptoms of a fucked up society, liberals should apply themselves where they typically manage to do a bit of good – by getting more money for education and programs to help people in underprivileged neighborhoods.